The (Homeless) Brady Bunch

In an attempt to make us reexamine how a family can end up either homeless or at least a step or two away from becoming homeless, here is a classic tale retold. What if one of our favorite television families were transported from the 1960s to today? And what if they endured a few bumps in the road along the way. Here is a modern rendition of the Brady Bunch.

The first thing we need to do is update the cost of living for the Bradys. Their living situation needs to be adjusted to the current market in California, where they lived. A mere apartment in Los Angeles can demand the renter makes nearly $60,000 a year just to cover the basic cost of rent, insurance, and utilities. Have you seen the size of the house they lived in? The price would be astronomical.

Another variable to consider is the size of the Bunch. The Brady family consisted of 2 parents, 6 kids, a housekeeper, and a dog. I suppose we could also throw in cousin Oliver even though he was the most contrived and annoying story line ever. There is no feasible way that a family of 10 could live in that San Bernardino neighborhood on Mike's single salary as an architect. It makes fine television, but it is simply not realistic.

Say goodbye to Alice, the housekeeper. Her salary would be absolutely unattainable on a single-income budget when combined with the rest of the family expenses. Hopefully, Sam the butcher would be willing to either make an honest woman out of her or at least give her a job at his shop. If not, a life on the streets becomes a very real possibility for our favorite quirky maid.

The next change would most likely be Carol getting a job to help out. To support their lifestyle, the Brady family would have to have a dual income with each wage-earner pulling in a nice amount. But the problem is Carol's options are limited because she has only a high school diploma and no real working experience, so all she can find is something that pays minimum wage. Being a trophy wife on TV is fine... not so much in the real world. Another conundrum is that she is forced to be away from home while she's working, so what about the children? They cannot be left unattended or every lamp in the house will be broken due to errant footballs being tossed to and fro.

This is where the revisionist narrative really takes a U-turn. Because the mom is gone for long stretches while working, the oldest children, Marcia and Greg, take over childcare duties. Affording child care is out of the question, so this means Greg never gets to form his rock and roll alter ego, Johnny Bravo, and Marcia never has a chance to meet Davy Jones and secure that perfect kiss. Lives are changed forever on several fronts.

Unfortunately, family trauma and stress can lead to the worst possible scenarios. Mike, the father, begins to feel the weight of the situation and starts to drink and become abusive. Money is stretched thin and nerves begin to fray. Carol gives him an ultimatum to either clean himself up or move out, groovy polyester suits and all... so he bolts.

Ugh. Now Carol is a single mom trying to raise an entire family on a minimum wage job while maintaining her current standard of living. Not happening. With Mike, the primary wage earner, gone, the Bunch now has no choice but to move out of their swanky neighborhood and into a smaller two-bedroom apartment in Reseda. Carol decides she needs to go to community college but that further complicates the issue because her work schedule demands she must take classes at night.

Marcia and Greg now must enter the workforce and they both get jobs slinging burgers while the next oldest kids, Jan and Peter assume watching the youngest three siblings (Remember, cousin Oliver is with them). Life has grown more somber because they had to get rid of Tiger, their beloved dog because the apartment complex does not allow pets. This takes an emotional toll on everyone.

Life has changed. Cindy and Bobby, the youngest Bradys, decide they have become too great a burden on the family and they run away, never to be heard from again. Cousin Oliver begins hanging around the wrong crowd and gets sent to jail for grand larceny and aggravated assault. This is definitely not the show Sherwood Shwartz had envisioned. The Brady Bunch has fallen apart and now resembles a more modern story that is closer to reality for many families.

I understand I have created several characterizations and engaged in some sweeping stereotypes. But I hope you can see the greater picture of what I'm trying to convey, which is life is not a romantic or family-based comedy. Not all of our problems are solved in nice and tidy 30 minute increments. There are real families who go through things like this every day and they don't have the luxury of turning the TV off and restarting the next day.

As we approach this new year, let us remember there are others who are constantly living paycheck to paycheck, just one catastrophe away from becoming homeless.

...at least do it for Alice!