Sympathy or Empathy... Which do we Need?

Over the next two weeks I am going to focus on some huge ideas that might not seem directly related to homelessness (be patient… they are). But I hope you will see the method to my madness by the time this little experiment is over. Maybe I’m burnt out on politicians offering bluster without substance. Perhaps I am disappointed there are so many people who like to observe problems without ever really addressing them. Or it could be that sometimes I lose my own way because even though I never forget what I’m fighting for, I allow myself to get frustrated and want to give up.

So, it appears I am writing to myself more than anyone else. Let’s start here: with our own understanding of what it means to even perceive the problems facing others and how we respond. I want to address two ideas we are all familiar with but might get confused, sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy and empathy both describe how we feel towards a specific situation but they have different implications. With sympathy you feel for the person; you’re sorry for them or pity them, but you don’t specifically understand what they’re feeling. Sometimes you’re left with little choice but to feel sympathetic because we really can’t understand the plight or predicament of someone else. It takes imagination, work, or possibly a similar experience to get to empathy.

Empathy is best described as feeling with the person. Notice the difference between ‘for’ and ‘with’. To an extent you are placing yourself in that person’s place, have a good sense of what they feel, and understand their feelings as much as you can. It may be impossible to be fully empathetic because each individual's reactions, thoughts and feelings to tragedy are going to be unique. But the idea of empathy implies a much more active process. Instead of feeling sorry for, you’re sorry with and have clothed yourself in the mantle of someone else’s emotional reactions.

It is easy to feel sympathetic to someone else’s difficulties. We can definitely pity others who have lost a loved one, undergone significant trauma, or faced terribly difficult times. Empathy suggests you’re in it with them, you can imagine what it is to be in their shoes, and you are together with them in emotional turmoil and loss. The need for true empathy gives rise to many groups of people who are encountering huge losses.

Frequently, what a person in grief really needs to hear is “I’ve done that too," "I totally get what you’re saying," or "I had the exact same thoughts," from someone else.  These are all expressions of empathy. What they tend not to want to hear is “I’m so sorry for you,” an expression of sympathy that makes them feel alone and isolated in their grief. I think we can make the move from sympathy to empathy and when we do, we embrace the beginning stages of affecting true change.